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25 June 2007 @ 02:20 pm

So the rest of what happened is quite a blur....i remember not being able to pee, but having a full bladder and therefore the cathatar being put in about 4AM. I then remember waking up at 6AM to the drugs round and wanting my mum. I was in agony. I remember having a cup of tea and trying to eat some bread and jam. My mum arrived, and stayed with me all day. I was told i had to walk around a bit to prevent blood clotthing. Mum helped me walk a few inches here and there. I shouldn't laugh about it, but if you had seen me in my hospital gown, crouched over in a pair of gold shoes, walking so slowly carrying a bag full of my wee - lovely.

I don't remember much else other than being in pain and crying and constantly begging the nurses to take the cathatar out. They did in the night, and mum helped me have a wash (as the nurses couldn't be bothered).

 I remember a woman coming into the ward and i heard lots of crying and then she went up to intensive care. I remember taking sleeping tablets and sleeping through saturday night, waking up at 6AM in horrible pain and ringing my mum asking when she would be here, but obviously she wasn't allowed in until 8AM. I fell asleep again, and kept dozing all day. I kept peeing, which they checked (to check my bladder was working right) and i had another blood test. One of the SHO's came back and told me my potassium levels were fine and as long as i kept taking iron tablets by anemia would be kept under control so i could go home. I got out of there pretty quickly....

 It still hasn't hit me yet, and i feel guilty for not being more upset. I mean, after all i was pregnant and i lost the baby. But for some reason i just feel nothing. I went on this site last night and "lit a candle" for the baby, but it still doesn't seem like i was pregnant you know? Maybe things will be different when i see Rich - he doesn't get back until late Saturday. Apparently he told his sister but not his parents. I wonder if he will bother to come and see me? I hope this kicks him up the arse as much as it has done me.
Current Location: at home
Current Mood: numbnumb
Current Music: 9 crimes - damien rice
24 June 2007 @ 02:20 pm

Sorry i haven't updated but a lot has happened.

 Remember the cramps i was having? Well i woke up on Friday and they were still bad so i made an emergency appointment with the doctor. Went in to see him, he examined my tummy, then told me i needed to pregnancy test sharpish - to rule out the chance of an ectopic pregnancy. So, i got mum to get me a test, we went home and i took the test. I honestly didn't think much of it, i don't see how i could have been pregnant. But, to my horror, the test came out positive. Yup. I was pregnant. I burst into tears, mainly in shock. Mum was so supportive. The doctor told me to ring him back with the results. Mum rang him and he said i had to get to hospital as soon as possible for surgery. 

 I rang my agent while mum packed me an overnight bag, and told her what was happening, as the Doctors role has gone out the window - no way i'll be well enough to film that.

 Mum took me up to the hospital, and i went straight to S.A.U. Luckily, mum knew what she was doing and how to calm me. She lost 5 babies before she had me, and her first pregnancy, when she was 22, was Ectopic. So she knew exactly what i was going through. 

 Most of it is a blur, mainly because it all happened so fast and i was (and still am) in shock. But i will re-tell it as best i can.

 For those who don't know, an Ectopic pregnancy is basically where the sperm and fertilized egg are outside the uterus, and more often than not, inside one of the fallopian tubes, as was the case with me. The baby, well, the embryo, was dead already. If it had ruptured the fallopian tube (if i had left it much longer) i would have died.

  So, i was in SAU for about 5 hours, they took a blood test and gave me some pain killers. All i could think about was having a cigarette lol especially with all the shock but i didn't have one until about half an hour ago when i got home today..

 They examined me, which was probably one of the worst experiences in my entire life - i've had a smear test before, so i knew what was coming, but i was so tense and uptight, that they had problems getting the plastic speculum out, and there was a lot of blood.

 They decided i needed to have a scan, but, being a Friday night, the scanning department was closed and they said they wouldn't be able to do the scan (and therefore delaying surgery) until Monday. Mum offered to pay for the scan and surgery privately, so the on-call private surgeon saw me at around 7.30pm, and did the scan. I had met her before for my Gyne appointments, and luckily knew how abrupt she can be - so i didn't take it personally. She put the jelly stuff on my tummy and started the scan - i couldn't believe this was happening - that a few hours ago i thought i had bad period pain and now here i was having a scan. She couldn't see anything in the Uterus, so it definately wasn't a normal pregnancy. She then had to use what can only be described as a large cucumber shaped object to scan me from inside. There she saw that there was not only an ectopic pregnancy in my left fallopian tube, but also a blood clot there. She said it seemed there was going to be no way they could save my fallopian tube and that it would have to removed too. I burst into tears again - this was all to much to take in. I was lost, i didn't know what was going on anymore.

 The surgeon told the SHO that i needed to go to theatre as soon as possible. I went back to SAU while i waited to go to theatre. They were fighting over the spot in theatre with someone who needed their appendix removed but eventually we won the place as my issue seemed to be more of an emergency. The surgeon who did the scan was doing the operation herself.

 They took me down to theatre, and after the questions i'd been asked every five minutes, my date of birth, what i'm allergic to etc, they told my mum to leave. As mum walked off i saw her burst into tears, they asked if i wanted to talk to her, but i told them to keep going when i saw the surgeon hug her (my mum knows her). Obviously, mum had been so strong and calm for me, she hadn't been able to let it out herself - she needed that time.

 In theatre, they put the heart monitors on me, and put in two canulars, and gave me some oxygen. Then they gave me the anasthetic through my left canular and one of the surgeons pressed on my neck to keep my airway open and i was out for the count.

 They explained the procedure to me before, but of course i don't remember everything they said. I know i had keyhole surgery, so no cuts as such. Just a small camera inserted under the belly button and two more pin prick sized marks near each hip, and a very small cut about two inches long along the top of my bikini line. Apparently, my legs had to be taped right back, so i was told i would (and i did) experience some shoulder pain.

I woke up in recovery and it was horrible. I knew where i was and everything, but i was shivering uncontroably which was normal, and i had to keep using the oxygen because i'm a smoker. My mouth was so dry (again normal), but i couldn't drink liquids as such, so one of the surgeons had to use a sponge with water on it, to quench my thirst. I managed to make jokes as i was coming around lol and they let mum in so i calmed down a bit. One of the surgeons was an Irishman, and, having an obsession with any time of irish accent, that was calming in itself.

I was then wheeled onto the ward, and my friend Natasha*'s mum was the sister in charge, so it was good to know someone there, especially as this was my first time in hospital. Mum stayed with me while they gave me more pain killers and i fell asleep (as the anasthetic was still acting as a sedative). I woke up about 3.30AM in a lot of pain, apparently the anasthetic had sent my bladder to sleep as it where - you could actually see it protruding out of my stomach because it was full but i couldn't go the loo. So they had to put a cathatar in (horrible, horrible things). I didn't really sleep after that. Got some more pain killers at  6AM. 

 Thanks to mum working at the hospital, she was able to ignore visiting times and stay with me all day, which was great. I did a bit of walking but was promptly sick. Was horrendus. Its just a blur of pain, sleep and sickness. I spoke to Rich who is away in Scotland atm. I told him what had happened, i think it's knocked him for six (they told me the "baby" was 5 weeks old exactly so definately Rich's.) Maybe now he will take it more seriously.

Anyway i'm feeling a bit weak so i will continue with what happened later x
Current Location: at home
Current Mood: soresore
Current Music: we're in heaven - dj sammy
22 June 2007 @ 12:55 am
I didn't manage to make the audition today, i was up all night with those cramps again, and have been suffering all day. I know nobody wants to know the ins and outs of my illnesses, but who knows, someone who's had or is suffering from something simmilar might read this. The pain feels like a cramp, but it is always there in a sort of dull ache and sharp bouts of pain occur now and again. The pain is mostly around my bum and right round to my lower abdominen. To top it all off i have my period, so i have those cramps to deal with too! I actually couldn't walk earlier, there was no way i was gonna be able to get up to London.

 If the pain isn't any better tommorow i am going to either make an emergency appointment with the doctor or Mum said she'll take me to A&E. I've had these cramps before, but it usually clears by the morning, this has been going for 24 hours or so now.

 Hopefully, it's nothing serious, i have to be well for filming next week!!

Current Location: at home
Current Mood: soresore
Current Music: the burden - dropkick murphys
20 June 2007 @ 07:11 pm

 Sorry i didn't update last night! Mum woke me up at  lunch time when she got home, but i went back to sleep. I was so tired. I didn't get off to sleep last night until 6am....

 I spoke to Beth on MSN last night, It turns out Ewan isn't with the 32 year old woman now (no suprises there). I reckon one of two things happened; 1) She didn't realise he wanted to be that serious and was like "woooahhh what are you doing?!" or 2) he never was with her and used it as an excuse to break up with Beth.

 I told Beth about Rich's behaviour at the comedy store the other night, she offered to kick the shit out of him lol I explained that no amount of violence, or shouting, or even talking like adults will get through to him. He's never going to change. I text him last night saying "The audition went well thanks for asking" he text back and said " i didn't even know u had one", i text him back saying "i told you on friday, before you got drunk and i told you what a big deal it was, but hey why would i expect you to remember?" He didn't text back. The Cunt. Sorry, but he deserves that word.

 I suddenly got some excrutiatinly painful cramps last night, i couldn't move. I managed to get myself into a hot back (about 12.30AM), i know it was down to stress. I managed to get myself back downstairs, took a Natrucalm to try and calm down a bit, and took my sleeping tablets. Bought a film on sky box office and tried to sit down - not easy. The tablet eventually worked, and the film was fantastic, really cheered me up! It was Night At The Museam with Ben Stiller, Ricky Gervais, Steve Coogan, Robin Williams and Owen Wilson. I reccomened it, nice feel good funny film.

 Despite the sleeping tablets, i was still in too much pain to sleep - hence why i didn't get to sleep until 6am.

 I slept until 2,30pm today, went up the shop, and bumped into Harry* a friend of mine who was part of an Amatuer Dramatics Society i used to perform with. Haven't seen him since March i think, so was nice to catch up.

 Went to get my eyebrows done with my mum, and she suddenly said "i need to pop to the supermarket", which was weird. Turns out she'd arranged for me to have a pedicure and a manicure as a suprise! She is amazing - how can she still do these things for me, when i do nothing for her? She truly is the best mum in the world!!

 Nikki* sent me a message on myspace to me, inviting me out tonight as its her birthday, but i can't make it cuz i have an audition for a film first thing tommorow...hopefully she got my message.


i'm off xxxx

Current Location: at home
Current Mood: thoughtfulthoughtful
Current Music: ride wit me - nelly
19 June 2007 @ 02:57 pm

Done the audition! God i was so nervous i was shaking - i hope they look past that! This morning i got a cab from Waterloo station to where the audition was taking place. The cabbie was really nice (and cute too!), turns out his mum is an Agent so we were chatting about acting and stuff. He said I was in a lucky cab lol apparently a woman won 4.5 million on a divorce case, after he told he she was in a lucky cab as well as a few other incidents - so i said i would hold him to that and lets just keep fingers crossed he's right!

To my suprise the director who suggest me for this audition is actually directing the show's next series (or at least a few episodes), so i did the audition for him and the casting director. Was really good to see him again - if i'm honest he's been my favourite director so far so now i want the part even more if that's possible.

 Apparently i came over a bit too posh (for those who know me that is crazy lol) so i had to relax the RP a little bit and we re-recorded it.

 I guess i will just have to wait and see - whoever plays this character needs to be available from the 3rd July, so it shouldn't be long until i know.

 When i got in the cab to go back to the station (after ringing my agent and my mum), to my disbelief and relief, the cabbie said i could smoke if i wanted to (he saw me smoking before i got in the cab!) It's practically impossible to find a smoking cab these days and I myself have never smoked in a black cab in my life (although i have seen my parents smoke in a cab). It was great to relax and unwind - which will be impossible when i go to auditions from the from the 1st July - DAMN THE SMOKING BAN!!!! No smoking at train stations, cafes, bars pubs aaaaaaah i'm not going to be able to cope. I'm bad enough on a short flight to Dublin.

Current Location: at home
Current Mood: relievedrelieved
Current Music: over my head - the fray
19 June 2007 @ 12:42 am

Weeeelllll i got a part in an English TV Show called 'Doctors', but the filming dates clash with the American show i'm auditioning for tommorow, so one of things could happen 1)I don't get the American show (most likely) and everything is OK 2)I get the American show and they manage to juggle it so that i go from one to another or 3) I have to choose one or the other.

So nervous about the audition tommorow - so badly want to get it just right. The hardest thing about this job is the audition process - not just dealing with the rejection, but just the pure fact that you don't really know what they are looking for. Sometimes, if you are fortunate you get a director or casting director who direct you through the audition as to what they want - which helps you perform to the best of your abilities. I hope that happenes tommorow. 

I know i can do this part and do it well. I know this character - i know her background, if i am given the chance i will do her justice. Please please God let me do this!
Current Location: at home
Current Mood: anxiousanxious
Current Music: heart of glass - blondie
17 June 2007 @ 01:34 am

Comedy store was great Last Night!

Rich rang me saying he couldn't afford to come to the comedy store - so my mum offered to pay for him (as she wanted a male with us). I knew damn well he had the money and that he was only saying it so we would pay for it, i said so to my mum, and she agreed but said she still wanted him there - I don't know why! So i tell him we will be meeting my friend Anna* at 8.30 and that i would be round his house at 8. I arrive and he's not even ready yet. We get the 8.29 bus into town - already late.

We went for a drink in a pub before getting the train and Anna bought her first legal drink yay! lol Bumped into a couple of people, the first of which was Evan* - a friend i went to college with. Spoke a bit in college, but talk more now on MSN. Sweet guy. Had a good chat and a laugh. Then i saw Roberta* - an aquaintance from the second college i went to. We kept arranging to meet up but it never materialised for one reason or another. Had a catch up with her which was nice.

 We got the train, it was very weird at the train station (only a small station), police and sniffer dogs everywhere - obviously had a tip off of some description. There was also a metal detector with a sign saying STOP KNIFE CRIME. I think a guy got done for having weed on him as we went to the platform.

 Got to Waterloo Station and got straight into a cab, watched a bit of Fawltey Towers on Cabvision (i LOVE cabvision lol). Naturally, Rich didn't cough up a penny for the taxi journey - but promptly went off to buy himself a packet of cigarettes.

 The comedy was great, very funny, except for Phil Nichol, he was quite funny, but not as funny as the others i didn't think - was a bit mad for me. I got ripped the piss out of when i went to the loo - apparently i was "going for a poo" and me and this other girl who went to the loo were lesbians - apparently. Oh, and apparently i am so tiny i couldn't take it all in....nice. :|

 After the show, we stayed for one drink - then walked around a bit - saw no where was open and called a cab. We walked down the cut, and eventually found a bar that was open (it was about 3.30AM by then). Rich was very drunk now - where as Me and Anna were practically sober now. Someone tried to start a fight with the bouncer, which was quite amusing. Rich continued to get drunk.

At about 4.45AM we went back to Waterloo Station, Rich suddenly said "I need to sit down", Anna and I left him on some chairs, and went to the loo and then saw Costa was open so we bought some food and some hot chocolate (was very cold now). As we walked back i said to Anna, "Look he's out of it". As we approached Rich, he was sitting in one of the chairs, his head lolling around, fast asleep, with dribble dropping down his chin. I used the reciept i had just been given and wiped his mouth - turned to Anna and said "I've had enough of this - i'm not his fucking mother. It's not my responsibility to look after  him - he should be looking after us."

We managed to wake him up, i tried to get him to eat some crisps, but he wouldn't. A couple of guys came up to us, asking me for a light, which i gave one of them. They said Rich looked stoned on crystal meth - he did, but i know he wasn't, he always looks stoned when he's drunk. One of the guys asked if he was my boyfriend, i said no, then he asked if he was my brother, i said no, so he said "i'll sit down then" - they both completely ignore Anna - i felt awful for her. I chatted to them for a bit, not wanting to be rude, purely for the fact that if they got funny, i would hardly have Rich to protect me. Also, as i was walking to the loo earlier on with Anna, some guys shouted out to me "Will you marry me?" - I'll be honest it made me feel good - it shoudln't cuz they were pissed off their faces, but still, it made me feel better. I also got chatted up by the guy who was trying to start the fight in the bar - he was asking lots of questions that didn't make any sense as he was off his face - i just replied and walked off. Anna said to me, "You are so patient, i would have turned round and slapped him". I guess i'm just used to be around drunks - and i don't want to upset anyone - these days anyone could pull a knife on you. I find it better to just humour them and make your excuses to leave - be polite.

We got on the train, it would take us about an hour to get home (as opposed to the usual half an hour) as it was so early the only trains you can get are the slow ones.

Rich spread himself out on some chairs and fell asleep, as did Anna. I nicked Rich's Ipod and tried to stay awake - seeing as it had somehow become my responsibility to wake everyone up in time. 

When we got close to home i woke Anna up and tried to wake Rich up - from shaking him, to shouting at him to hitting him. I sat on his stomach, and he pushed me off - pretty damn violently. But he wouldn't wake up. I was so close to leaving him on the train - he had embarrassed me infront of my friend enough already for one day. But naturally, my conscience wouldn't allow me to do it and i eventually shouted, quite horribly, enough to get him up and about.

We got a cab home - it was pissing down with rain. I got home about 6.45AM. Took my sleeping tablets and went to bed. And all i could think about was Ryan* - a life long friend of mine. We used to be best friends up until we were about 7 or so. We didn't speak that much after that - just mixed in different circles.  Then when we were 15 - we went on holiday. Me and my friends and Ryan and his family (my mum was good friends with his parents). It was a great week. Ryan was so sweet. You have to understand, at school, he had the reputation of being the hard man - you don't cross him. He will beat the shit out of you. But on holiday, he was just lovely. We had long chats about God and the universe. He confessed to crying when he watched Titanic. He was my best friend again.

Of course, when we got back to school i didn't speak to him again. The last time i saw him was on his 18th birthday (over a year ago) when mum and I went round to drop his card and present off.

 I don't know why he popped into my head - but for some reason all i could think about was what it would be like to be with him - to be his girlfriend. Very weird. I wish i could call him - but it's been too long now. Our mums don't really speak that much anymore - they had a falling out.

I slept till 5pm lol, came downstairs and mum had bought me some stuff in town. She bought 3 new white bras for me, trying to help me feel a bit better about the whole boob issue - unfortunately only one of them fitted. She also bought me a gorgeous black and white dress from Jane Norman - which pretty much fitted. But you could see my bra poking out - and i burst into tears. I guess everything had just got to me. And in terms of the clothes, i can never wear a top without my bra showing - my shoulders aren't big enough to hold the tops properly and i just wouldn't feel comfortable going out without a bra on - i'd just feel too flat. Mum tried to console me, saying we would get one of neighbours to alter it for me and my other clothes too - bless her heart. She really is the best mum in the world.

Haven't spoken to Rich since this morning - but when i do i am going to have such a go at him, i am so angry with him.
Current Location: at home
Current Mood: crappycrappy
Current Music: Renegade Master '98 - Wildchild
15 June 2007 @ 01:44 pm
yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!! I got the audition!! It's on Tuesday and the part is amazing i'm sooooo excited!! I know i shouldn't get my hopes up, and i normally don't, but i will be devestated if i don't get a part (any part!) in this. One of dreams has always been to be in something like this - man i would feel like i will have achieved so much if i get it!

 Rich spoke again last night, kept asking why i was in a shitty mood, i said i wasn't angry with him, just angry at myself (which is probably true). I said i didn't want to talk about it. He then said he was in a bad mood, and like a baby when i asked what was up he decided he didn't want to talk about it either - when i knew damn well he did.

 Mum has decided she doesn't want to go the comedy store, so now we have a spare ticket - against my better judgement i might see if Rich wants it..i know i shouldn't but i don't know anyone else who would want to go who's around and if we can get a guy to come with us that would be good so we aren't two girls on our own...

we shall see....

Current Location: at home
Current Mood: excitedexcited
Current Music: i just wanna make love to you - etta james
14 June 2007 @ 10:03 pm


he comes online and says sorry i didn't ring you yesterday, my phone's been cut off.
I said, you used that excuse yesterday.
and he made up some thing about being out in which case why did he say he would ring me in the first place?? I mean if he doesn't want to talk to me fair enough but don't bloody apologize!! He asked how i was i said ok u? and now he's disappeared, still online, just not talking. I'm leaving the message open, but i'm fighting all my instincts and waiting for him to say something. Oh God this is pathetic, stupid little games, i hate feeling like this. Why can't i just GET OVER THIS ARSEHOLE!?

Went for a nice meal with mum tonight, had some very heated discussions, and i did snap a little bit but it was okay in the end. She's gonna come up to the comedy store with me and my friend tommorow night which should be fun (if she can stay awake!)

 Not much else i can say tonight - too pissed off and tired at the same time. I shall try and update before i leave tommorow xxxxxxx
Current Location: at home
Current Mood: grumpygrumpy
Current Music: time of your life - green day
14 June 2007 @ 12:54 am

Well, the audition went well i think. They said i got the accent right, and asked me to keep my nose blocked up..lol 

 My Agent's daughter (who is also an actress - Sammy*) is now back with her mum as her agent after moving to a top london agency after she landed a part in a big film. I was a bit concerned at first, she's the same age as me, and looks younger than she is, and i must admit i thought "Oh God, her mum's gonna send her up for everything, and me for nothing" but logically, we don't look that alike, some castings we will both go to, some we won't. I honestly don't think my agent would short-change me like that.

 I travelled up to the audition with Sammy (as she was auditioning too), had a good chat - long journey though.

 In a moment of weakness, i rang Rich on the train home, asking if he fancied going out for a drink - i just felt like i desperately wanted to see him. He said he "wasn't sure" what he was doing, but that he would call me later. He apologized for not being touched, complaining that his phone had been cut off - which i knew - to which i replied, "yes but you have a landline phone don't you?" "fair play" he replied. I put the phone down. 

 Got home, was starving, mum bless her heart cooked me something, and i was so knackered. Thought to myself "I can't be bothered to go out." I had a whole plan figured out "If Rich rings, i'm just gonna not answer it. I know two wrongs don't make a right, but i'd like to give him a taste of his own medicene." Of course, the oppurtunity never came up, because, naturally, Rich never called. Leaving me feeling ten times worse.

Another thing i have noticed lately..does every single person i have ever known now have a boyfriend/girlfriend? I'm so fed up, i feel like an outcast. Well, except for Beth of course, but she just got out of a 3 year relationship. And my friend Natasha just finished with her boyfriend of a month or something. But that's it. Seriously, everyone else i know is with someone. What's wrong with me? Am i freak? I guess in reality, i've never had a proper boyfriend, not a real one, not one i could honestly say i have had a relationship with. Why? I honestly don't get it..am i that repulsive? Or maybe i'm just boring? I know i don't go out a lot, but in all fairness, in this area, there is only one type of bloke you are going to meet at a club. And i get plenty of guys interested in me, but no one ever seems to want to make it serious. Am i destined to be alone forever? Like that woman who was on This Morning, 42 years old and a virgin (okay the virgin bit doesn't apply to me), she had been waiting for a boyfriend, never got one, ended up hiring an escort to lose her virginity too. That's going to be me isn't it? I'm going to have to start hiring escorts to take me out to dinner. aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrgggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Current Location: at home
Current Mood: crankycranky
Current Music: death of titanic - james horner