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05 July 2007 @ 11:27 pm

 Spoke to Thomas again last night  on MSN chatted till the early hours about complete bullshit lol was fun hope he comes online tonight. I also spoke to Rich on MSN again - now i know everyone wants to shoot me for this (Beth especially) but i ended up giving him advice about his ex that he's still in love with after two years. I guess, i just figured despite all he's done to me, i just can't burn my bridges, i'm too scared of being alone - of not having anyone. I won't let him use me again - i have learnt my lesson. It does me good to help others with their problems - takes my mind off my own - and i know Rich inside out so it's easy to help him. I dunno. I'm a hopeless cause.

 Decided not to go to the pub night tommorow night because Natasha gets back from her Eurotrip so i am going to hopefully meet up with her and Hannah* for a drink (probably only for an hour or so - don't want to make myself ill - a proper night out would be too much at the moment). Hannah, Natasha and Me used to be a trio, when we were about 13 we saw eachother every single day..now Hannah and Natasha are best friends..as life pulled us apart (they did the same courses at college etc whereas i left college and persued acting). But will be really nice to catch up with them - plus they know the current situation - Natasha obviously knows because her mother was the sister looking after me after i came round after my operation and i told Hannah.

 Still, I always feel a strange dread when it comes to meeting up with people. I always worry i'll be boring, or i will talk a load of crap, or the evening will be filled with uncomfortable silences.

 But, for some reason today feels like the first day of my new life - time to start socialising more, meeting more people, do something about worrying about being alone instead of clinging on to idiots who will never be there for me anyway like Rich. So step one, start seeing Hannah and Natasha again. I also got an invite from Chelsea* to her birthday do, i worked with her on a TV Show back in April, so i shall go to that! It seems so pathetic i know - but i've pushed so many people out of my life, it is kind of like re-building my social life, brick by brick. I feel kind of scared writing about a 'new life' i'm scared it will curse the whole idea and something really bad will happen now. I know where that stems from - Christmas Eve 1999. My parents bought me a personal CD Player and Geri Halliwell's Album lol I remember going out into the kitchen and saying to myself "This is going to be the best Christmas ever." Later that night, my dad, as always when pissed, started shouting at my mum, getting ready to hit her. We left that night. On New year's day 2000, my father committed suicide. Best Christmas present ever - i think not. So, as you can imagine, i find it hard to be posotive and hopeful about the future in fear that something awful will happen - usually that i will lose my mum which i couldn't bear or even imagine how i would cope with that if i would cope with that which i doubt.

Anyway i'm depressing everyone again so i am going to go now and hope Thomas comes online - could do with some cheering up!
Current Location: at home
Current Mood: contemplativecontemplative
Current Music: smile - lily allen