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04 July 2007 @ 03:11 pm

 I typed this once but i accidently deleted it before i posted it - doh! 

 Well, i've been without the internet for a few days (our phone line went down) which has driven me mad lol Rich did come round and at 3pm instead on 8pm. He brought a bunch of flowers, and apologized over and over again. We talked, rather uncomfortably. I explained what exactly had happened, and explained how serious it actually was. He apologized again. He kept saying he felt guilty that it was his fault it had happened and that he couldn't believe he'd lost a baby. I tried to explain it wasn't really a baby - and it wouldn't have ever been. I started to feel guilty for not feeling more cut up about it - why am i not mourning the loss of a baby? Is it because my mum keeps telling me it wasn't a baby? Is it because i don't really care because i wouldn't have kept it anyway? I didn't think i was that shallow..or maybe it just still hasn't hit me yet - who knows, in 6 months time i might be writing an entry about it....The only thing i do know is that i can't force it.

 I made him realise how awful he had made me feel and he apologized again. I must admit, i was a bit cruel. I was cold with him throughout, and i made out i was suffering more than i was in the sense that he thinks i still can't walk properly etc I guess i just felt he'd get an easy ride if he saw how well i was truly doing....

 We parted on reasonable terms. There was no shouting, balling or even crying. I figure there is no point. Whatever i do, it won't get through his thick skull - although i did make a point of saying that he now knows how important condoms are and that if he is ever in the situation where a girl needs to take the morning after pill he won't find it so funny because he will know what could and might happen. As he left, he touched my shoulder, i grabbed his arm and had a hug - i guess it was a goodbye embrace for me. Because i know things will never ever be the same again and i am somewhat mourning our friendship.

He said his phone was still cut off, but that he would be in touch and would come and see me again - but i still doubt it. I think he felt bullied into seeing me the other day - but if he is free to decide for himself, he won't. It's too an uncomfortable situation for him - and he's to scared to face up to these things.

 I also gave his ticket to see Ricky Gervais to Anna, which he doesn't know about. He didn't pay for it so technically it's mine to do with as i please.

Mum got her gift in the post (a selection of cheeses and pates) which she loved. I recieved a gift too from some of my mum's friends - some make up and a make up bag which cheered me up. I also treated myself to a pair of Topshop black ballet pumps i've wanted for ages.

I went to the hospital today for another blood test, took 3 hours! I was waiting for half an hour in Gynae, then we decided to try in Phlibotamy, but another hour there, then we went back to Gynae, the first person missed the vein so someone else tried lol crazy

 I got a text from a guy who was a member of the Am Dram society i belonged to, Tim* asking if i felt well enough to go to their pub night on friday night. I think i just might! Would be great to see everyone again!

Current Location: at home
Current Mood: amusedamused
Current Music: The Portrait - James Horner