Pub night went really well! I had a good time, had a real laugh with everyone. When i got home i continued speaking to Thomas on MSN till like 2.30AM. And we are going on a date next week woop!  Bye bye Rich! Time i went out with someone who gives a shit about me and doesn't treat me like shit! Hopefully it will go well....i guess you'll just have to watch this space....

 Spoke to Thomas again last night  on MSN chatted till the early hours about complete bullshit lol was fun hope he comes online tonight. I also spoke to Rich on MSN again - now i know everyone wants to shoot me for this (Beth especially) but i ended up giving him advice about his ex that he's still in love with after two years. I guess, i just figured despite all he's done to me, i just can't burn my bridges, i'm too scared of being alone - of not having anyone. I won't let him use me again - i have learnt my lesson. It does me good to help others with their problems - takes my mind off my own - and i know Rich inside out so it's easy to help him. I dunno. I'm a hopeless cause.

 Decided not to go to the pub night tommorow night because Natasha gets back from her Eurotrip so i am going to hopefully meet up with her and Hannah* for a drink (probably only for an hour or so - don't want to make myself ill - a proper night out would be too much at the moment). Hannah, Natasha and Me used to be a trio, when we were about 13 we saw eachother every single day..now Hannah and Natasha are best friends..as life pulled us apart (they did the same courses at college etc whereas i left college and persued acting). But will be really nice to catch up with them - plus they know the current situation - Natasha obviously knows because her mother was the sister looking after me after i came round after my operation and i told Hannah.

 Still, I always feel a strange dread when it comes to meeting up with people. I always worry i'll be boring, or i will talk a load of crap, or the evening will be filled with uncomfortable silences.

 But, for some reason today feels like the first day of my new life - time to start socialising more, meeting more people, do something about worrying about being alone instead of clinging on to idiots who will never be there for me anyway like Rich. So step one, start seeing Hannah and Natasha again. I also got an invite from Chelsea* to her birthday do, i worked with her on a TV Show back in April, so i shall go to that! It seems so pathetic i know - but i've pushed so many people out of my life, it is kind of like re-building my social life, brick by brick. I feel kind of scared writing about a 'new life' i'm scared it will curse the whole idea and something really bad will happen now. I know where that stems from - Christmas Eve 1999. My parents bought me a personal CD Player and Geri Halliwell's Album lol I remember going out into the kitchen and saying to myself "This is going to be the best Christmas ever." Later that night, my dad, as always when pissed, started shouting at my mum, getting ready to hit her. We left that night. On New year's day 2000, my father committed suicide. Best Christmas present ever - i think not. So, as you can imagine, i find it hard to be posotive and hopeful about the future in fear that something awful will happen - usually that i will lose my mum which i couldn't bear or even imagine how i would cope with that if i would cope with that which i doubt.

Anyway i'm depressing everyone again so i am going to go now and hope Thomas comes online - could do with some cheering up!

 
 Well i continued to ignore Rich last night on MSN - he said "look i'm sorry" but i didn't reply. I guess it just seems like an unheartfelt apology. He tried to get shitty with me and said "fine i'll tell my mum i can't help her tommorow and come round and see you. i'll be round at 8." I couldn't help but answer, telling him not to emotionally blackmail me because it won't work. I wasn't asking him to drop everything to see me, just to bother to at least text me, ring me (he says his phone has been cut off again but he has a home phone hasn't he?!) to at least see how i am. I said i didn't want to talk to him over MSN i wanted to see him face to face. He was the one who said the fact i nearly died was of equal prioirity to his new job - i mean, am i over reacting? Please tell me if i am.

 I bet he doesn't turn up tonight, he's always full of empty threats. But if he does, God forgive me, i will play on it - i can walk fine now but i won't infront of him. I want him to feel guilty. I want him to feel bad. I've never been like this before, i have never been this angry and hurt in my entire life. He even had the cheek to make out he is suffering as much as i am! I mean i'm sorry but has he lost 40% of the ability to have kids? No. Does he have to recover from the shock and physical and mental scars of emergency surgery? No. Is he left to pick up the pieces? No. He may be suffering - i do not deny him that, but however selfish and self absorbed you want to call me, i don't think for a second he is suffering anywhere near as much as i am.

So place your bets everyone - will he turn up tonight? x

Spoke to Rich, he made out he was so sorry and felt so guilty. i said i didn't want to talk about it on MSN - he said he cant see me today or tommorow because he's starting his new job - how can he priortise when everything has equal priorities?? ME NEARLY DYING IS AS IMPORTANT AS HIS NEW JOB.

IF I HAD THE CONSCIENCE TO KILL HIM I WOULD.

Blah just watching the diana concert on TV. No word from Rich - hands up who's suprised? Not me. Boy when i next see him is he going to suffer i don't even care if he's worth it. Feeling better today, haven't taken any pain killers although i have a horrible headache that won't shift - i'm probably just uptight..anyway if there are any developments i will let you know x

 Not much to report today - pain is getting better and i was able to wash my hair by myself today yay! I watched Jimmy in Jekyll which was fantastic - i was hooked although if i'm honest Gina Bellman got on my nerves. I then saw him on Dame Edna which was very funny..

 Rich is supposed to get back tonight, but it seems unlikely. There was a car that crashed into the terminal at Glasgow airport, suspected terrorist act, and added to that there are huge floods in Northern England and apparently the rain is going to get worse tonight. I honestly don't know how those poor people can take any more. My heart goes out to them all.

 I wonder if Rich will bother to text me to come round to talk which was the agreement? Probably not - i ain't holding my breath/

 On a happier note, am i the only one who is happy the spice girls are getting back together for a tour?! I gave in and downloaded their Spice Album, and i still remember all the songs! (I used to be obsessed) and i guess it all just reminds me of happier times, before the shit hit the fan so to speak lol and also a more innocent time, when all i worried about was making up with my best friend after yet another argument lol And i wanna see them live - i never got to before lol i doubt anyone will come with me though lololololol

 And today, as it is 12.15AM, is officially doomsday: THE SMOKING BAN I have been dreading this day, mainly because England sucks compared to the rest of Europe and will continue to be strict for years. I understand if you are in a small resturant or pub it's not nice if you don't smoke, but if a venue can facilitate a decent smoking area that doesn't interfere with the non-smokers, then why should that be a problem if the owners are happy?? I think it should be up to each owner. I know my local pub has less than 10 clientel who don't smoke. They are already losing money - they will have to shut down now.

 Personally, i find it disgusting that there is a smoking ban in public places, but it is now legal to keep pubs open 24 hours a day. Particularly in my area, the drunken violence is at an all time high, so now it's crazy, added to the amount of people who will now be outside smoking - God help us all. Also, alcohol caused cancer....i''ve seen it's effects. AND a person who smokes won't smoke five cigarettes and get violent (unless they are a violent person anyway). 

 And i feel sorry for those people who don't like travelling on planes or trains - they need a cigarette, sometimes even the ones who don't smoke. Ah this world is going crazy - it is a nanny state.

 AND get this: there is a fine for dropping cigarette butts on the street! Now, i wouldn't mind this if it wasn't for the fact that we have no bins in our town centre let alone somewhere to stub our cigarettes out. And what do we have to do? Go to tourist information and collect a leather case to put our ciggie butts into - bollocks to that. Give us some fucking bins you tight bastards - stop spending all your money on blowing up innocent people arrrrrrrrrg

The other thing being, YOU CAN'T SMOKE IN YOUR HOME AN HOUR BEFORE A HEALTH PROFESSIONAL OR POLICEMAN COMES ROUND. Am i mistaken, or am i being told what i can or can't do in my own home?

 Still, i guess all the money i've been saving up and putting into my 'Fine Jar' will come in useful - looks like i'm gonna be paying a lot of fines this summer let alone this winter!

AAAAAAAAAAAAH rant over.

Well, i woke up at 11.15 today, didn't take any pain killers although the pain was pretty bad..just want to be okay arrrg! At 11.30 Nathalie*, my counseller, rang me (i text her and asked for a phone consultation after what's happend). It helped a lot, it was just nice to talk to someone outside the situation. She said she was impressed with me - the way i was dealing with thing, that i hadn't let the sadness of it all develop into an "attack" of depression. She said she was also impressed at my outlook on life at the moment.

 I'm feeling better about the American show, now the initial dissapointment has subsided, and i have gained some perspective, i can see it probably wouldn't be as great as i had made it out to be. It was starting filming next week, how in the hell would i have been able to travel in my state let alone work? Also, it's such an inaccurate show and i'm such a geek on the subject that it probably would have driven me mad lol

 Decided not to ask to me an extra or even ask to visit the set, i think i'd find it too hard watching other people in something about this subject and i know i would get insanely jealous despite my earlier reasoning. I also think it's best if i just concentrate on getting better at the moment.

 I got a very flirty message from Mark* today on facebook. He's a friend from one of the amateur dramatics societies i was with. He's never been flirty with me before, well, he has but only in an actor flirting with everyone kind of way. I don't know what's brought that on other than the fact he's now single. He seems really keen to see me and catch up - we always kept saying we would but we never got round to it - especially as he is so hopeless at replying to e-mails - but maybe facebook has become his addiction too? lol. I also worry, and i'm probably being paranoid, that now i'm on TV, he wants to know me but i guess i have never had any reason to think he didn't really want to know me before all the acting stuff happened, so maybe i'm reading too much into things. Anyway, nothing will happen, he's much older than me (in his 30's) and the messages are most probably him winding me up. There's nothing too sordid in the messages it's just harmless flirting. It just took me by suprise. I will meet up with him though as i really got along well with him and we have a lot in common - and i don't think he's being serious with the messages.

 Beth came round tonight, which i was looking forward too. We ordered a take away and get this - it arrives, all the food is cold and the chips are mouldy!!!! EWWWWWW!!!! They wouldn't even give us our money back - they said they would be straight round but they never turned up. So a complaint has gone into the health department the idiots. We ordered a chinease after that which was great. But it was a bit of a shitty night though; mum was uptight about the takeaway and was going on and on about it in one ear and Beth was either going on about her ex or her mobile phone in the other. Her idea was that we would get a takeaway and watch a DVD. I put a DVD on but she continued playing with her phone and mum kept moaning - i felt like i didn't exist. I know Beth has a lot going on at the moment, but i just thought she was a bit rude....am i being a total bitch? :s I hope not.

 I also went to the doctor for an emergency appointment today. I had some pain in my right shoulder and apparently that can be a sign of internal bleeding so i went to get it checked it out just in case, but everything is fine, it must just be the way they propped me up in theatre last Friday night.

 

I didn't get the part. I'm devastated. I was hysterical when i found out - how pathetic is that? It was probably more than that - mum had given me a leaflet about Eptopic Pregnancy, to help me understand it, and i think everything all just got to me. This feels like the final nail in the coffin - but i'm not quite sure what the coffin represents..Don't worry it isn't suicide. I'm past all that, well, at least i hope i am.

I do feel a bit hopeless though, but i guess that's to be expected considering the situation. I'm feeling increasingly irritated with my body, not being able to do things and carry things. Managed to have a bath by myself today and wasn't scared to touch the scars (which are shrinking woo!).

Beth said she'll come round tommorow which will be nice. Still no word from Rich - suprise suprise.

So, everything is still a bit of a blur at the moment thanks to the pain killers..

 Yesterday, Anne* who i work with and who also works with my mum came round. She had text my mum when she found out i'd been in hospital asking if there was anything we needed. I think she's from Budapest - and i'm telling you she is truly one of the nicest most kind people you will ever meet - she is so genuine. And she gets excitied about everything and cries about everything. She picked up my iron tablets from the hospital (as i am anemic already but only slightly, but because of the blood loss i suffered and still am suffering i need to take them). And then she went to the shop and bought me some bananas (because she heard that my postasium level was low when i was in hospital) and some Senna in case i had trouble going to the loo because of the iron tablets. She is such a sweetheart. She stayed and chatted for a while.

 I spent most of the evening online (nothing different there lol) and chatted to Thomas* on facebook. I was cast in an amateur dramatics production of The Importance Of Being Earnest by Oscar Wilde last year but i had to pull out because of my first big TV Job. Thomas was playing Jack (I was cast as Cecily for the record lol). Anyway, he's doing a production with my old am dram group (different to the group we were in together) so we caught up which was nice and i admit i have a bit of a crush on him. I did when we were doing the play, but the more i talk to him the more i like him. I feel a bit guilty for feeling that way after what's just happened but i guess you can't help these things.

 I text Rich, saying "thanks for asking me how i am, nice to know you care. I never thought you could hurt me like this." He text back saying i needed to cut him some slack, he had a lot going on, he is hurting too and he has no signal....(and he was able to text me back how then?) Apparently my mum text him telling him to get a grip, but i know she only did it because she was upset for me. I didn't think Rich and I were going to speak again but he text me tonight apologizing for the text last night, saying he has a lot going on and his family (apart from his sister) don't know so he can't talk about it. I text back saying i don't want to argue with him especially at the moment but we will talk properly when he gets back.

 I'm still in a bit of pain, and had some nasty waves of sickness and stomach upset.

 Anna and her mum came round to see me and my mum tonight. My God they have both been so supportive. Anna has text me everyday and even offered to come and visit me at the hospital (as did Beth). And Anna's mum was on the phone to my mum when i was in theatre. They got me some flowers which were beautiful and a card. It's great to see who your real friends are.

 Also had a bit of a cry this evening, i was waiting for it to happen. It's all starting to really hit me now, plus my hormones are all over the place - i needed a good cry. So i did and had a good old chat with my mum.

 Still no word on the American show - i am hoping and praying it's a yes, not only is a great oppurtunity, but it would give me the motivation to get better and would give me a focus which i really feel i need at the moment.

So the rest of what happened is quite a blur....i remember not being able to pee, but having a full bladder and therefore the cathatar being put in about 4AM. I then remember waking up at 6AM to the drugs round and wanting my mum. I was in agony. I remember having a cup of tea and trying to eat some bread and jam. My mum arrived, and stayed with me all day. I was told i had to walk around a bit to prevent blood clotthing. Mum helped me walk a few inches here and there. I shouldn't laugh about it, but if you had seen me in my hospital gown, crouched over in a pair of gold shoes, walking so slowly carrying a bag full of my wee - lovely.

I don't remember much else other than being in pain and crying and constantly begging the nurses to take the cathatar out. They did in the night, and mum helped me have a wash (as the nurses couldn't be bothered).

 I remember a woman coming into the ward and i heard lots of crying and then she went up to intensive care. I remember taking sleeping tablets and sleeping through saturday night, waking up at 6AM in horrible pain and ringing my mum asking when she would be here, but obviously she wasn't allowed in until 8AM. I fell asleep again, and kept dozing all day. I kept peeing, which they checked (to check my bladder was working right) and i had another blood test. One of the SHO's came back and told me my potassium levels were fine and as long as i kept taking iron tablets by anemia would be kept under control so i could go home. I got out of there pretty quickly....

 It still hasn't hit me yet, and i feel guilty for not being more upset. I mean, after all i was pregnant and i lost the baby. But for some reason i just feel nothing. I went on this site last night and "lit a candle" for the baby, but it still doesn't seem like i was pregnant you know? Maybe things will be different when i see Rich - he doesn't get back until late Saturday. Apparently he told his sister but not his parents. I wonder if he will bother to come and see me? I hope this kicks him up the arse as much as it has done me.

Sorry i haven't updated but a lot has happened.

 Remember the cramps i was having? Well i woke up on Friday and they were still bad so i made an emergency appointment with the doctor. Went in to see him, he examined my tummy, then told me i needed to pregnancy test sharpish - to rule out the chance of an ectopic pregnancy. So, i got mum to get me a test, we went home and i took the test. I honestly didn't think much of it, i don't see how i could have been pregnant. But, to my horror, the test came out positive. Yup. I was pregnant. I burst into tears, mainly in shock. Mum was so supportive. The doctor told me to ring him back with the results. Mum rang him and he said i had to get to hospital as soon as possible for surgery. 

 I rang my agent while mum packed me an overnight bag, and told her what was happening, as the Doctors role has gone out the window - no way i'll be well enough to film that.

 Mum took me up to the hospital, and i went straight to S.A.U. Luckily, mum knew what she was doing and how to calm me. She lost 5 babies before she had me, and her first pregnancy, when she was 22, was Ectopic. So she knew exactly what i was going through. 

 Most of it is a blur, mainly because it all happened so fast and i was (and still am) in shock. But i will re-tell it as best i can.

 For those who don't know, an Ectopic pregnancy is basically where the sperm and fertilized egg are outside the uterus, and more often than not, inside one of the fallopian tubes, as was the case with me. The baby, well, the embryo, was dead already. If it had ruptured the fallopian tube (if i had left it much longer) i would have died.

  So, i was in SAU for about 5 hours, they took a blood test and gave me some pain killers. All i could think about was having a cigarette lol especially with all the shock but i didn't have one until about half an hour ago when i got home today..

 They examined me, which was probably one of the worst experiences in my entire life - i've had a smear test before, so i knew what was coming, but i was so tense and uptight, that they had problems getting the plastic speculum out, and there was a lot of blood.

 They decided i needed to have a scan, but, being a Friday night, the scanning department was closed and they said they wouldn't be able to do the scan (and therefore delaying surgery) until Monday. Mum offered to pay for the scan and surgery privately, so the on-call private surgeon saw me at around 7.30pm, and did the scan. I had met her before for my Gyne appointments, and luckily knew how abrupt she can be - so i didn't take it personally. She put the jelly stuff on my tummy and started the scan - i couldn't believe this was happening - that a few hours ago i thought i had bad period pain and now here i was having a scan. She couldn't see anything in the Uterus, so it definately wasn't a normal pregnancy. She then had to use what can only be described as a large cucumber shaped object to scan me from inside. There she saw that there was not only an ectopic pregnancy in my left fallopian tube, but also a blood clot there. She said it seemed there was going to be no way they could save my fallopian tube and that it would have to removed too. I burst into tears again - this was all to much to take in. I was lost, i didn't know what was going on anymore.

 The surgeon told the SHO that i needed to go to theatre as soon as possible. I went back to SAU while i waited to go to theatre. They were fighting over the spot in theatre with someone who needed their appendix removed but eventually we won the place as my issue seemed to be more of an emergency. The surgeon who did the scan was doing the operation herself.

 They took me down to theatre, and after the questions i'd been asked every five minutes, my date of birth, what i'm allergic to etc, they told my mum to leave. As mum walked off i saw her burst into tears, they asked if i wanted to talk to her, but i told them to keep going when i saw the surgeon hug her (my mum knows her). Obviously, mum had been so strong and calm for me, she hadn't been able to let it out herself - she needed that time.

 In theatre, they put the heart monitors on me, and put in two canulars, and gave me some oxygen. Then they gave me the anasthetic through my left canular and one of the surgeons pressed on my neck to keep my airway open and i was out for the count.

 They explained the procedure to me before, but of course i don't remember everything they said. I know i had keyhole surgery, so no cuts as such. Just a small camera inserted under the belly button and two more pin prick sized marks near each hip, and a very small cut about two inches long along the top of my bikini line. Apparently, my legs had to be taped right back, so i was told i would (and i did) experience some shoulder pain.

I woke up in recovery and it was horrible. I knew where i was and everything, but i was shivering uncontroably which was normal, and i had to keep using the oxygen because i'm a smoker. My mouth was so dry (again normal), but i couldn't drink liquids as such, so one of the surgeons had to use a sponge with water on it, to quench my thirst. I managed to make jokes as i was coming around lol and they let mum in so i calmed down a bit. One of the surgeons was an Irishman, and, having an obsession with any time of irish accent, that was calming in itself.

I was then wheeled onto the ward, and my friend Natasha*'s mum was the sister in charge, so it was good to know someone there, especially as this was my first time in hospital. Mum stayed with me while they gave me more pain killers and i fell asleep (as the anasthetic was still acting as a sedative). I woke up about 3.30AM in a lot of pain, apparently the anasthetic had sent my bladder to sleep as it where - you could actually see it protruding out of my stomach because it was full but i couldn't go the loo. So they had to put a cathatar in (horrible, horrible things). I didn't really sleep after that. Got some more pain killers at  6AM. 

 Thanks to mum working at the hospital, she was able to ignore visiting times and stay with me all day, which was great. I did a bit of walking but was promptly sick. Was horrendus. Its just a blur of pain, sleep and sickness. I spoke to Rich who is away in Scotland atm. I told him what had happened, i think it's knocked him for six (they told me the "baby" was 5 weeks old exactly so definately Rich's.) Maybe now he will take it more seriously.

Anyway i'm feeling a bit weak so i will continue with what happened later x

I didn't manage to make the audition today, i was up all night with those cramps again, and have been suffering all day. I know nobody wants to know the ins and outs of my illnesses, but who knows, someone who's had or is suffering from something simmilar might read this. The pain feels like a cramp, but it is always there in a sort of dull ache and sharp bouts of pain occur now and again. The pain is mostly around my bum and right round to my lower abdominen. To top it all off i have my period, so i have those cramps to deal with too! I actually couldn't walk earlier, there was no way i was gonna be able to get up to London.

 If the pain isn't any better tommorow i am going to either make an emergency appointment with the doctor or Mum said she'll take me to A&E. I've had these cramps before, but it usually clears by the morning, this has been going for 24 hours or so now.

 Hopefully, it's nothing serious, i have to be well for filming next week!!



xxxx

Done the audition! God i was so nervous i was shaking - i hope they look past that! This morning i got a cab from Waterloo station to where the audition was taking place. The cabbie was really nice (and cute too!), turns out his mum is an Agent so we were chatting about acting and stuff. He said I was in a lucky cab lol apparently a woman won 4.5 million on a divorce case, after he told he she was in a lucky cab as well as a few other incidents - so i said i would hold him to that and lets just keep fingers crossed he's right!

To my suprise the director who suggest me for this audition is actually directing the show's next series (or at least a few episodes), so i did the audition for him and the casting director. Was really good to see him again - if i'm honest he's been my favourite director so far so now i want the part even more if that's possible.

 Apparently i came over a bit too posh (for those who know me that is crazy lol) so i had to relax the RP a little bit and we re-recorded it.

 I guess i will just have to wait and see - whoever plays this character needs to be available from the 3rd July, so it shouldn't be long until i know.

 When i got in the cab to go back to the station (after ringing my agent and my mum), to my disbelief and relief, the cabbie said i could smoke if i wanted to (he saw me smoking before i got in the cab!) It's practically impossible to find a smoking cab these days and I myself have never smoked in a black cab in my life (although i have seen my parents smoke in a cab). It was great to relax and unwind - which will be impossible when i go to auditions from the from the 1st July - DAMN THE SMOKING BAN!!!! No smoking at train stations, cafes, bars pubs aaaaaaah i'm not going to be able to cope. I'm bad enough on a short flight to Dublin.

 

Weeeelllll i got a part in an English TV Show called 'Doctors', but the filming dates clash with the American show i'm auditioning for tommorow, so one of things could happen 1)I don't get the American show (most likely) and everything is OK 2)I get the American show and they manage to juggle it so that i go from one to another or 3) I have to choose one or the other.

So nervous about the audition tommorow - so badly want to get it just right. The hardest thing about this job is the audition process - not just dealing with the rejection, but just the pure fact that you don't really know what they are looking for. Sometimes, if you are fortunate you get a director or casting director who direct you through the audition as to what they want - which helps you perform to the best of your abilities. I hope that happenes tommorow. 


I know i can do this part and do it well. I know this character - i know her background, if i am given the chance i will do her justice. Please please God let me do this!

Comedy store was great Last Night!

Rich rang me saying he couldn't afford to come to the comedy store - so my mum offered to pay for him (as she wanted a male with us). I knew damn well he had the money and that he was only saying it so we would pay for it, i said so to my mum, and she agreed but said she still wanted him there - I don't know why! So i tell him we will be meeting my friend Anna* at 8.30 and that i would be round his house at 8. I arrive and he's not even ready yet. We get the 8.29 bus into town - already late.

We went for a drink in a pub before getting the train and Anna bought her first legal drink yay! lol Bumped into a couple of people, the first of which was Evan* - a friend i went to college with. Spoke a bit in college, but talk more now on MSN. Sweet guy. Had a good chat and a laugh. Then i saw Roberta* - an aquaintance from the second college i went to. We kept arranging to meet up but it never materialised for one reason or another. Had a catch up with her which was nice.

 We got the train, it was very weird at the train station (only a small station), police and sniffer dogs everywhere - obviously had a tip off of some description. There was also a metal detector with a sign saying STOP KNIFE CRIME. I think a guy got done for having weed on him as we went to the platform.

 Got to Waterloo Station and got straight into a cab, watched a bit of Fawltey Towers on Cabvision (i LOVE cabvision lol). Naturally, Rich didn't cough up a penny for the taxi journey - but promptly went off to buy himself a packet of cigarettes.

 The comedy was great, very funny, except for Phil Nichol, he was quite funny, but not as funny as the others i didn't think - was a bit mad for me. I got ripped the piss out of when i went to the loo - apparently i was "going for a poo" and me and this other girl who went to the loo were lesbians - apparently. Oh, and apparently i am so tiny i couldn't take it all in....nice. :|

 After the show, we stayed for one drink - then walked around a bit - saw no where was open and called a cab. We walked down the cut, and eventually found a bar that was open (it was about 3.30AM by then). Rich was very drunk now - where as Me and Anna were practically sober now. Someone tried to start a fight with the bouncer, which was quite amusing. Rich continued to get drunk.

At about 4.45AM we went back to Waterloo Station, Rich suddenly said "I need to sit down", Anna and I left him on some chairs, and went to the loo and then saw Costa was open so we bought some food and some hot chocolate (was very cold now). As we walked back i said to Anna, "Look he's out of it". As we approached Rich, he was sitting in one of the chairs, his head lolling around, fast asleep, with dribble dropping down his chin. I used the reciept i had just been given and wiped his mouth - turned to Anna and said "I've had enough of this - i'm not his fucking mother. It's not my responsibility to look after  him - he should be looking after us."

We managed to wake him up, i tried to get him to eat some crisps, but he wouldn't. A couple of guys came up to us, asking me for a light, which i gave one of them. They said Rich looked stoned on crystal meth - he did, but i know he wasn't, he always looks stoned when he's drunk. One of the guys asked if he was my boyfriend, i said no, then he asked if he was my brother, i said no, so he said "i'll sit down then" - they both completely ignore Anna - i felt awful for her. I chatted to them for a bit, not wanting to be rude, purely for the fact that if they got funny, i would hardly have Rich to protect me. Also, as i was walking to the loo earlier on with Anna, some guys shouted out to me "Will you marry me?" - I'll be honest it made me feel good - it shoudln't cuz they were pissed off their faces, but still, it made me feel better. I also got chatted up by the guy who was trying to start the fight in the bar - he was asking lots of questions that didn't make any sense as he was off his face - i just replied and walked off. Anna said to me, "You are so patient, i would have turned round and slapped him". I guess i'm just used to be around drunks - and i don't want to upset anyone - these days anyone could pull a knife on you. I find it better to just humour them and make your excuses to leave - be polite.

We got on the train, it would take us about an hour to get home (as opposed to the usual half an hour) as it was so early the only trains you can get are the slow ones.

Rich spread himself out on some chairs and fell asleep, as did Anna. I nicked Rich's Ipod and tried to stay awake - seeing as it had somehow become my responsibility to wake everyone up in time. 

When we got close to home i woke Anna up and tried to wake Rich up - from shaking him, to shouting at him to hitting him. I sat on his stomach, and he pushed me off - pretty damn violently. But he wouldn't wake up. I was so close to leaving him on the train - he had embarrassed me infront of my friend enough already for one day. But naturally, my conscience wouldn't allow me to do it and i eventually shouted, quite horribly, enough to get him up and about.

We got a cab home - it was pissing down with rain. I got home about 6.45AM. Took my sleeping tablets and went to bed. And all i could think about was Ryan* - a life long friend of mine. We used to be best friends up until we were about 7 or so. We didn't speak that much after that - just mixed in different circles.  Then when we were 15 - we went on holiday. Me and my friends and Ryan and his family (my mum was good friends with his parents). It was a great week. Ryan was so sweet. You have to understand, at school, he had the reputation of being the hard man - you don't cross him. He will beat the shit out of you. But on holiday, he was just lovely. We had long chats about God and the universe. He confessed to crying when he watched Titanic. He was my best friend again.

Of course, when we got back to school i didn't speak to him again. The last time i saw him was on his 18th birthday (over a year ago) when mum and I went round to drop his card and present off.

 I don't know why he popped into my head - but for some reason all i could think about was what it would be like to be with him - to be his girlfriend. Very weird. I wish i could call him - but it's been too long now. Our mums don't really speak that much anymore - they had a falling out.

I slept till 5pm lol, came downstairs and mum had bought me some stuff in town. She bought 3 new white bras for me, trying to help me feel a bit better about the whole boob issue - unfortunately only one of them fitted. She also bought me a gorgeous black and white dress from Jane Norman - which pretty much fitted. But you could see my bra poking out - and i burst into tears. I guess everything had just got to me. And in terms of the clothes, i can never wear a top without my bra showing - my shoulders aren't big enough to hold the tops properly and i just wouldn't feel comfortable going out without a bra on - i'd just feel too flat. Mum tried to console me, saying we would get one of neighbours to alter it for me and my other clothes too - bless her heart. She really is the best mum in the world.

Haven't spoken to Rich since this morning - but when i do i am going to have such a go at him, i am so angry with him.

yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!! I got the audition!! It's on Tuesday and the part is amazing i'm sooooo excited!! I know i shouldn't get my hopes up, and i normally don't, but i will be devestated if i don't get a part (any part!) in this. One of dreams has always been to be in something like this - man i would feel like i will have achieved so much if i get it!

 Rich spoke again last night, kept asking why i was in a shitty mood, i said i wasn't angry with him, just angry at myself (which is probably true). I said i didn't want to talk about it. He then said he was in a bad mood, and like a baby when i asked what was up he decided he didn't want to talk about it either - when i knew damn well he did.

 Mum has decided she doesn't want to go the comedy store, so now we have a spare ticket - against my better judgement i might see if Rich wants it..i know i shouldn't but i don't know anyone else who would want to go who's around and if we can get a guy to come with us that would be good so we aren't two girls on our own...

we shall see....

x

WHAT IS IT WITH RICH????

he comes online and says sorry i didn't ring you yesterday, my phone's been cut off.
I said, you used that excuse yesterday.
and he made up some thing about being out in which case why did he say he would ring me in the first place?? I mean if he doesn't want to talk to me fair enough but don't bloody apologize!! He asked how i was i said ok u? and now he's disappeared, still online, just not talking. I'm leaving the message open, but i'm fighting all my instincts and waiting for him to say something. Oh God this is pathetic, stupid little games, i hate feeling like this. Why can't i just GET OVER THIS ARSEHOLE!?

Went for a nice meal with mum tonight, had some very heated discussions, and i did snap a little bit but it was okay in the end. She's gonna come up to the comedy store with me and my friend tommorow night which should be fun (if she can stay awake!)

 Not much else i can say tonight - too pissed off and tired at the same time. I shall try and update before i leave tommorow xxxxxxx

Well, the audition went well i think. They said i got the accent right, and asked me to keep my nose blocked up..lol 

 My Agent's daughter (who is also an actress - Sammy*) is now back with her mum as her agent after moving to a top london agency after she landed a part in a big film. I was a bit concerned at first, she's the same age as me, and looks younger than she is, and i must admit i thought "Oh God, her mum's gonna send her up for everything, and me for nothing" but logically, we don't look that alike, some castings we will both go to, some we won't. I honestly don't think my agent would short-change me like that.

 I travelled up to the audition with Sammy (as she was auditioning too), had a good chat - long journey though.

 In a moment of weakness, i rang Rich on the train home, asking if he fancied going out for a drink - i just felt like i desperately wanted to see him. He said he "wasn't sure" what he was doing, but that he would call me later. He apologized for not being touched, complaining that his phone had been cut off - which i knew - to which i replied, "yes but you have a landline phone don't you?" "fair play" he replied. I put the phone down. 

 Got home, was starving, mum bless her heart cooked me something, and i was so knackered. Thought to myself "I can't be bothered to go out." I had a whole plan figured out "If Rich rings, i'm just gonna not answer it. I know two wrongs don't make a right, but i'd like to give him a taste of his own medicene." Of course, the oppurtunity never came up, because, naturally, Rich never called. Leaving me feeling ten times worse.

Another thing i have noticed lately..does every single person i have ever known now have a boyfriend/girlfriend? I'm so fed up, i feel like an outcast. Well, except for Beth of course, but she just got out of a 3 year relationship. And my friend Natasha just finished with her boyfriend of a month or something. But that's it. Seriously, everyone else i know is with someone. What's wrong with me? Am i freak? I guess in reality, i've never had a proper boyfriend, not a real one, not one i could honestly say i have had a relationship with. Why? I honestly don't get it..am i that repulsive? Or maybe i'm just boring? I know i don't go out a lot, but in all fairness, in this area, there is only one type of bloke you are going to meet at a club. And i get plenty of guys interested in me, but no one ever seems to want to make it serious. Am i destined to be alone forever? Like that woman who was on This Morning, 42 years old and a virgin (okay the virgin bit doesn't apply to me), she had been waiting for a boyfriend, never got one, ended up hiring an escort to lose her virginity too. That's going to be me isn't it? I'm going to have to start hiring escorts to take me out to dinner. aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrgggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh