Spoke to Thomas again last night on MSN chatted till the early hours about complete bullshit lol was fun hope he comes online tonight. I also spoke to Rich on MSN again - now i know everyone wants to shoot me for this (Beth especially) but i ended up giving him advice about his ex that he's still in love with after two years. I guess, i just figured despite all he's done to me, i just can't burn my bridges, i'm too scared of being alone - of not having anyone. I won't let him use me again - i have learnt my lesson. It does me good to help others with their problems - takes my mind off my own - and i know Rich inside out so it's easy to help him. I dunno. I'm a hopeless cause.
Decided not to go to the pub night tommorow night because Natasha gets back from her Eurotrip so i am going to hopefully meet up with her and Hannah* for a drink (probably only for an hour or so - don't want to make myself ill - a proper night out would be too much at the moment). Hannah, Natasha and Me used to be a trio, when we were about 13 we saw eachother every single day..now Hannah and Natasha are best friends..as life pulled us apart (they did the same courses at college etc whereas i left college and persued acting). But will be really nice to catch up with them - plus they know the current situation - Natasha obviously knows because her mother was the sister looking after me after i came round after my operation and i told Hannah.
Still, I always feel a strange dread when it comes to meeting up with people. I always worry i'll be boring, or i will talk a load of crap, or the evening will be filled with uncomfortable silences.
But, for some reason today feels like the first day of my new life - time to start socialising more, meeting more people, do something about worrying about being alone instead of clinging on to idiots who will never be there for me anyway like Rich. So step one, start seeing Hannah and Natasha again. I also got an invite from Chelsea* to her birthday do, i worked with her on a TV Show back in April, so i shall go to that! It seems so pathetic i know - but i've pushed so many people out of my life, it is kind of like re-building my social life, brick by brick. I feel kind of scared writing about a 'new life' i'm scared it will curse the whole idea and something really bad will happen now. I know where that stems from - Christmas Eve 1999. My parents bought me a personal CD Player and Geri Halliwell's Album lol I remember going out into the kitchen and saying to myself "This is going to be the best Christmas ever." Later that night, my dad, as always when pissed, started shouting at my mum, getting ready to hit her. We left that night. On New year's day 2000, my father committed suicide. Best Christmas present ever - i think not. So, as you can imagine, i find it hard to be posotive and hopeful about the future in fear that something awful will happen - usually that i will lose my mum which i couldn't bear or even imagine how i would cope with that if i would cope with that which i doubt.
Anyway i'm depressing everyone again so i am going to go now and hope Thomas comes online - could do with some cheering up!
I typed this once but i accidently deleted it before i posted it - doh!
Well, i've been without the internet for a few days (our phone line went down) which has driven me mad lol Rich did come round and at 3pm instead on 8pm. He brought a bunch of flowers, and apologized over and over again. We talked, rather uncomfortably. I explained what exactly had happened, and explained how serious it actually was. He apologized again. He kept saying he felt guilty that it was his fault it had happened and that he couldn't believe he'd lost a baby. I tried to explain it wasn't really a baby - and it wouldn't have ever been. I started to feel guilty for not feeling more cut up about it - why am i not mourning the loss of a baby? Is it because my mum keeps telling me it wasn't a baby? Is it because i don't really care because i wouldn't have kept it anyway? I didn't think i was that shallow..or maybe it just still hasn't hit me yet - who knows, in 6 months time i might be writing an entry about it....The only thing i do know is that i can't force it.
I made him realise how awful he had made me feel and he apologized again. I must admit, i was a bit cruel. I was cold with him throughout, and i made out i was suffering more than i was in the sense that he thinks i still can't walk properly etc I guess i just felt he'd get an easy ride if he saw how well i was truly doing....
We parted on reasonable terms. There was no shouting, balling or even crying. I figure there is no point. Whatever i do, it won't get through his thick skull - although i did make a point of saying that he now knows how important condoms are and that if he is ever in the situation where a girl needs to take the morning after pill he won't find it so funny because he will know what could and might happen. As he left, he touched my shoulder, i grabbed his arm and had a hug - i guess it was a goodbye embrace for me. Because i know things will never ever be the same again and i am somewhat mourning our friendship.
He said his phone was still cut off, but that he would be in touch and would come and see me again - but i still doubt it. I think he felt bullied into seeing me the other day - but if he is free to decide for himself, he won't. It's too an uncomfortable situation for him - and he's to scared to face up to these things.
I also gave his ticket to see Ricky Gervais to Anna, which he doesn't know about. He didn't pay for it so technically it's mine to do with as i please.
Mum got her gift in the post (a selection of cheeses and pates) which she loved. I recieved a gift too from some of my mum's friends - some make up and a make up bag which cheered me up. I also treated myself to a pair of Topshop black ballet pumps i've wanted for ages.
I went to the hospital today for another blood test, took 3 hours! I was waiting for half an hour in Gynae, then we decided to try in Phlibotamy, but another hour there, then we went back to Gynae, the first person missed the vein so someone else tried lol crazy
I got a text from a guy who was a member of the Am Dram society i belonged to, Tim* asking if i felt well enough to go to their pub night on friday night. I think i just might! Would be great to see everyone again!
Well i continued to ignore Rich last night on MSN - he said "look i'm sorry" but i didn't reply. I guess it just seems like an unheartfelt apology. He tried to get shitty with me and said "fine i'll tell my mum i can't help her tommorow and come round and see you. i'll be round at 8." I couldn't help but answer, telling him not to emotionally blackmail me because it won't work. I wasn't asking him to drop everything to see me, just to bother to at least text me, ring me (he says his phone has been cut off again but he has a home phone hasn't he?!) to at least see how i am. I said i didn't want to talk to him over MSN i wanted to see him face to face. He was the one who said the fact i nearly died was of equal prioirity to his new job - i mean, am i over reacting? Please tell me if i am.
I bet he doesn't turn up tonight, he's always full of empty threats. But if he does, God forgive me, i will play on it - i can walk fine now but i won't infront of him. I want him to feel guilty. I want him to feel bad. I've never been like this before, i have never been this angry and hurt in my entire life. He even had the cheek to make out he is suffering as much as i am! I mean i'm sorry but has he lost 40% of the ability to have kids? No. Does he have to recover from the shock and physical and mental scars of emergency surgery? No. Is he left to pick up the pieces? No. He may be suffering - i do not deny him that, but however selfish and self absorbed you want to call me, i don't think for a second he is suffering anywhere near as much as i am.
So place your bets everyone - will he turn up tonight? x
IF I HAD THE CONSCIENCE TO KILL HIM I WOULD.
Not much to report today - pain is getting better and i was able to wash my hair by myself today yay! I watched Jimmy in Jekyll which was fantastic - i was hooked although if i'm honest Gina Bellman got on my nerves. I then saw him on Dame Edna which was very funny..
Rich is supposed to get back tonight, but it seems unlikely. There was a car that crashed into the terminal at Glasgow airport, suspected terrorist act, and added to that there are huge floods in Northern England and apparently the rain is going to get worse tonight. I honestly don't know how those poor people can take any more. My heart goes out to them all.
I wonder if Rich will bother to text me to come round to talk which was the agreement? Probably not - i ain't holding my breath/
On a happier note, am i the only one who is happy the spice girls are getting back together for a tour?! I gave in and downloaded their Spice Album, and i still remember all the songs! (I used to be obsessed) and i guess it all just reminds me of happier times, before the shit hit the fan so to speak lol and also a more innocent time, when all i worried about was making up with my best friend after yet another argument lol And i wanna see them live - i never got to before lol i doubt anyone will come with me though lololololol
And today, as it is 12.15AM, is officially doomsday: THE SMOKING BAN I have been dreading this day, mainly because England sucks compared to the rest of Europe and will continue to be strict for years. I understand if you are in a small resturant or pub it's not nice if you don't smoke, but if a venue can facilitate a decent smoking area that doesn't interfere with the non-smokers, then why should that be a problem if the owners are happy?? I think it should be up to each owner. I know my local pub has less than 10 clientel who don't smoke. They are already losing money - they will have to shut down now.
Personally, i find it disgusting that there is a smoking ban in public places, but it is now legal to keep pubs open 24 hours a day. Particularly in my area, the drunken violence is at an all time high, so now it's crazy, added to the amount of people who will now be outside smoking - God help us all. Also, alcohol caused cancer....i''ve seen it's effects. AND a person who smokes won't smoke five cigarettes and get violent (unless they are a violent person anyway).
And i feel sorry for those people who don't like travelling on planes or trains - they need a cigarette, sometimes even the ones who don't smoke. Ah this world is going crazy - it is a nanny state.
AND get this: there is a fine for dropping cigarette butts on the street! Now, i wouldn't mind this if it wasn't for the fact that we have no bins in our town centre let alone somewhere to stub our cigarettes out. And what do we have to do? Go to tourist information and collect a leather case to put our ciggie butts into - bollocks to that. Give us some fucking bins you tight bastards - stop spending all your money on blowing up innocent people arrrrrrrrrg
The other thing being, YOU CAN'T SMOKE IN YOUR HOME AN HOUR BEFORE A HEALTH PROFESSIONAL OR POLICEMAN COMES ROUND. Am i mistaken, or am i being told what i can or can't do in my own home?
Still, i guess all the money i've been saving up and putting into my 'Fine Jar' will come in useful - looks like i'm gonna be paying a lot of fines this summer let alone this winter!
AAAAAAAAAAAAH rant over.
Well, i woke up at 11.15 today, didn't take any pain killers although the pain was pretty bad..just want to be okay arrrg! At 11.30 Nathalie*, my counseller, rang me (i text her and asked for a phone consultation after what's happend). It helped a lot, it was just nice to talk to someone outside the situation. She said she was impressed with me - the way i was dealing with thing, that i hadn't let the sadness of it all develop into an "attack" of depression. She said she was also impressed at my outlook on life at the moment.
I'm feeling better about the American show, now the initial dissapointment has subsided, and i have gained some perspective, i can see it probably wouldn't be as great as i had made it out to be. It was starting filming next week, how in the hell would i have been able to travel in my state let alone work? Also, it's such an inaccurate show and i'm such a geek on the subject that it probably would have driven me mad lol
Decided not to ask to me an extra or even ask to visit the set, i think i'd find it too hard watching other people in something about this subject and i know i would get insanely jealous despite my earlier reasoning. I also think it's best if i just concentrate on getting better at the moment.
I got a very flirty message from Mark* today on facebook. He's a friend from one of the amateur dramatics societies i was with. He's never been flirty with me before, well, he has but only in an actor flirting with everyone kind of way. I don't know what's brought that on other than the fact he's now single. He seems really keen to see me and catch up - we always kept saying we would but we never got round to it - especially as he is so hopeless at replying to e-mails - but maybe facebook has become his addiction too? lol. I also worry, and i'm probably being paranoid, that now i'm on TV, he wants to know me but i guess i have never had any reason to think he didn't really want to know me before all the acting stuff happened, so maybe i'm reading too much into things. Anyway, nothing will happen, he's much older than me (in his 30's) and the messages are most probably him winding me up. There's nothing too sordid in the messages it's just harmless flirting. It just took me by suprise. I will meet up with him though as i really got along well with him and we have a lot in common - and i don't think he's being serious with the messages.
Beth came round tonight, which i was looking forward too. We ordered a take away and get this - it arrives, all the food is cold and the chips are mouldy!!!! EWWWWWW!!!! They wouldn't even give us our money back - they said they would be straight round but they never turned up. So a complaint has gone into the health department the idiots. We ordered a chinease after that which was great. But it was a bit of a shitty night though; mum was uptight about the takeaway and was going on and on about it in one ear and Beth was either going on about her ex or her mobile phone in the other. Her idea was that we would get a takeaway and watch a DVD. I put a DVD on but she continued playing with her phone and mum kept moaning - i felt like i didn't exist. I know Beth has a lot going on at the moment, but i just thought she was a bit rude....am i being a total bitch? :s I hope not.
I also went to the doctor for an emergency appointment today. I had some pain in my right shoulder and apparently that can be a sign of internal bleeding so i went to get it checked it out just in case, but everything is fine, it must just be the way they propped me up in theatre last Friday night.
I do feel a bit hopeless though, but i guess that's to be expected considering the situation. I'm feeling increasingly irritated with my body, not being able to do things and carry things. Managed to have a bath by myself today and wasn't scared to touch the scars (which are shrinking woo!).
Beth said she'll come round tommorow which will be nice. Still no word from Rich - suprise suprise.
So, everything is still a bit of a blur at the moment thanks to the pain killers..
Yesterday, Anne* who i work with and who also works with my mum came round. She had text my mum when she found out i'd been in hospital asking if there was anything we needed. I think she's from Budapest - and i'm telling you she is truly one of the nicest most kind people you will ever meet - she is so genuine. And she gets excitied about everything and cries about everything. She picked up my iron tablets from the hospital (as i am anemic already but only slightly, but because of the blood loss i suffered and still am suffering i need to take them). And then she went to the shop and bought me some bananas (because she heard that my postasium level was low when i was in hospital) and some Senna in case i had trouble going to the loo because of the iron tablets. She is such a sweetheart. She stayed and chatted for a while.
I spent most of the evening online (nothing different there lol) and chatted to Thomas* on facebook. I was cast in an amateur dramatics production of The Importance Of Being Earnest by Oscar Wilde last year but i had to pull out because of my first big TV Job. Thomas was playing Jack (I was cast as Cecily for the record lol). Anyway, he's doing a production with my old am dram group (different to the group we were in together) so we caught up which was nice and i admit i have a bit of a crush on him. I did when we were doing the play, but the more i talk to him the more i like him. I feel a bit guilty for feeling that way after what's just happened but i guess you can't help these things.
I text Rich, saying "thanks for asking me how i am, nice to know you care. I never thought you could hurt me like this." He text back saying i needed to cut him some slack, he had a lot going on, he is hurting too and he has no signal....(and he was able to text me back how then?) Apparently my mum text him telling him to get a grip, but i know she only did it because she was upset for me. I didn't think Rich and I were going to speak again but he text me tonight apologizing for the text last night, saying he has a lot going on and his family (apart from his sister) don't know so he can't talk about it. I text back saying i don't want to argue with him especially at the moment but we will talk properly when he gets back.
I'm still in a bit of pain, and had some nasty waves of sickness and stomach upset.
Anna and her mum came round to see me and my mum tonight. My God they have both been so supportive. Anna has text me everyday and even offered to come and visit me at the hospital (as did Beth). And Anna's mum was on the phone to my mum when i was in theatre. They got me some flowers which were beautiful and a card. It's great to see who your real friends are.
Also had a bit of a cry this evening, i was waiting for it to happen. It's all starting to really hit me now, plus my hormones are all over the place - i needed a good cry. So i did and had a good old chat with my mum.
Still no word on the American show - i am hoping and praying it's a yes, not only is a great oppurtunity, but it would give me the motivation to get better and would give me a focus which i really feel i need at the moment.